Discoveries

My dad is notorious for how much he loves to camp. Everywhere we've lived, he's always been the go-to guy for outdoor excursions. Naturally, i grew up with one foot in the woods all of my young life.  

i never really understood it, and always thought it was a little hokey that instead of checking into a hotel, we would always stay at state parks in places like LA or San Francisco. a few weeks ago, however, my family and i went on a day trip into the spanish fork canyon. once again, i entered this with the whole hokey outlook of camping, but decided that patience would be best.  

we drove up to Tibble Fork Reservoir, and from there got onto an off-roading trail that quickly intensified into a dangerously narrow path. the road was jagged with rocks, and at times i had to exit the car and spot my dad over a few particularly unmanageable areas. it was painstakingly slow, but i loved whenever we stopped to let someone pass, there was a brotherly agreement. You were obliged to wave, nod or make some gesture to the other adventurer out of sheer understanding and mutual awareness of the other.  

finally, we got to our destination: Forest Lake. it wasn't much, but what it happened to be was so peaceful and tranquil. Within complete isolation, centered in a bowl of mountains was this tiny valley that barely stretched beyond the little water's shore. there was only one other person when we got there, and my dad made small talk with him about cars and occupations. a very standard talk, that is had within cities and restaurants over dinner. in crowded, metropolitan places these brisk conversations are customary, and as i watched, it seemed odd to me that in this perfect place such concourse could be had.  

the people (a man, his wife and their two little girls) bade us goodbye, and we began on a 0.7 mile hike into the hills. 

at first there were only trees, but as elevation brought us up the side of the mountain, the view opened into a wide vision of the surrounding mountains. It was amazing to me, because the view was so great that it was almost too much to comprehend, and for the first time in my life i felt such an unsettling peace all around me. 

there was nothing, but there was everything and it was all so wild and unsettled. i wanted to lose myself in the fields, forests and ridges for a while and just discover what secrets were there, and find out what the environment was trying to whisper to me. it was unlike anything i've ever felt, and that's a serious statement. i try not to hold back on experiences, and this one was so shockingly beautiful to me in a way that's hard to describe. 

it's strange, because i've been on countless hikes, adventures and excursions into the woods. this was nothing compared to canoe trips and fifty mile hikes that lasted an entire week each. snow-caving on the side of Mt. Ranier, backpacking through the rain towards nameless lakes - none of them were anything as rewarding as this single, 0.7 mile hike. we left, and got home by night-fall. 

recently my family and i took a spur of the moment drive up to washington, where we helped Taylor fix his broken car. among other activities, we stopped for a night on Orcas Island, the largest in the Puget Sound's San Juan archipelago. On our last day there, i took a beautiful hike to the top of Mt. Constitution, Orcas island's peak. It was so wonderful, and the trail took me out on a ledge of rock that overlooked the entire expanse of the sound and San Juan Islands.  

i don't know why i've never realized it until now, but being alone and exploring the forest, mountains and new bodies of water is just such an awesome experience to me. 

I guess i finally understand what my dad was trying to teach me about all my life by camping at state parks, instead of hotels.  

it's a cool feeling.

LIFE

my hours just got cut at work, so i have no life once again. 

it's a little tragic, but i guess i can use the time in between looking for a new job to write. 

other than that, life has been pretty good i guess. i'm really wanting some weed. i know a few people in the area now, but i have no hours, so i can't expect that anytime soon. 

i had a really great time in washington. i'll post about that sometime soon i suppose. 

but i don't know, i'll probably be really busy doing NOTHING AT ALLL HAHAHAHA. 

sigh. oh well! life always gets better eventually. 

I Picked up a Pencil

and i drew, which is not entirely uncommon, but on this occasion i finished what i started. 

it's the drawing of a man named Sahib. he would be the mascot of my hookah/hash bar were i ever to embark in such a noble enterprise. He's a soulful black man with bug-eye shades and a playful, timeless love for jazz, funk and dance. kind of like a God, or immortal figure that eludes time, demise and age in the pursuit of new beats and song. i thought of him while listening to Koop's "Soul For Sahib" and other such jazzy tunes.  

it's rare that i begin a drawing with the intent to finish it, because most of my pieces of art are sketches done in ink - studies, mostly, of pose and posture. but this was something i'd been thinking of for a long while, and i couldn't help but do my best to complete what had proven to be quite the captivating tangent of thought. the image was too clear in my mind for me to ignore, and looking back i'm very happy i followed through with it.  

it's nice, because i haven't finished a complete drawing in years, and was beginning to - not lose hope in my talent - but in my advancements of anatomy and posture through otherwise unshowable and very modest sketches, i had no solid reference points to any new heights my skill level had achieved. in other words, it had been so long since i had proven myself that i hardly knew my potential any longer. every time i looked at someone else's art i was filled with a mix of doubt and hope as to where i was at in relation to their skills and subtle concepts of portrayal.  

i was lost.  

i'm quite satisfied with what i achieved, but sadly, there is no way i can upload my picture of "Sultan" Sahib, as i lack any type of scanner.  

pity. you'll just have to take my word for it :(

JOBS

got a job at Brick Oven. today's my first day. 

i'm pretty excited, and can't wait to get some money so i can go back to Bellingham for a week and chill with friends, move out and help my roomies clean the place up a little before all our leases end. 

gonna be tight!

i've already got hella shit planned, haha. Rose is coming down from VA and we're pretty much going to smoke ourselves into oblivion. the last week i was in WA she took me on a baked walk around some of the best viewpoints in Seattle. she grew up there and knows all the best places, so we walked through all the city's parks and hills and just bowled each other out. totally great experience. ended up crashing at one of her friends' places on Lake Washington Blvd - excellent view by the way. we smoked at a park on the shore before we hit up her friends' house and had the most perfect view of the Bellevue skyline across the lake. 

so she's coming up, and i'm going to return the favor - show her all the coolest places in Bellingham. it's going to be totally great, and i can't wait to take in another night-time odyssey of the city. 

after that, i'll be back in Utah for the next few months saving money, and then i plan on maybe moving to Cali with Jared once he gets out of school. 

it's good to have goals, something to look forward to. 

i've actually really enjoyed my time in Utah. aside from the family drama, i'm really gaining an appreciation for the state. i love seeing the mountains here at night. they're just total black shapes in front of the stars, and i love the view from my mom's deck. we're in the foothills of this big, rocky mountain (you know the one, right? it's got... all those rocks in it :p) and we see the whole valley. 

it was never that way in Redmond, because the landscape is all hills. it's rare that you get such a pristine, absolute view of the city and lights like you do out here. 

Bellingham is different, because there's bill mcdonald hill. it pretty much overlooks the whole downtown area, harbor and bellingham bay. you can see into Canada over the mountains, and there's a great spot on campus where i used to sit and write at night. 

for the first few weeks and months that i lived there, it was so weird to wake up with such a foreign landscape around me. i've known Utah Valley and Redmond's horizon all my life, but waking up, looking out my door and seeing the mountains that carved out Sudden Valley and dipped into Fairhaven was so foreign. 

SIGH. 

i have to go now. i have a job interview at 2:00 with Bath and Body Works for their floorset shift. i hope i have time outside of Brick Oven's schedule to work it. 

peace!

Fuck Life

i just feel depressed. 

i have a lot of ideas and passions and my mind moves at a mile a minute. i get overexcited about things really easily and feel like i'm making a tool out of myself. at this point i stop and reassess things for a while and that's where i am right now. 

just a little mellow and glum and trying to realign myself with the real reasons i should be doing things. 

i get carried away. not gonna lie. 

i think too much. 

Strangest

in my time in bellingham, it wasn't often that i was 100 percent sober.

the weirdest thing about not being high is dreaming. after about a week in Utah, i woke up and thought i had barely been asleep, that i'd been out doing something during the night. in reality, it was my first dream in months that i'd remembered. 

it's still something else to me. i guess i forgot how mysterious life really is. 

My Apartment

my apartment is just a fifteen minute walk from the ocean, a beautiful boardwalk and all the sunset walks along the beach you could ever want. 

sometimes i get really stoned, turn on vacant music and look out the window at the swamp, forest trail and buildings in the distance. The wind feels good on my face. i pretend sometimes that i'm in a different city in a place i hardly know of and devise how society is conducted in my little world.

i have people over whenever i want and we do whatever i want. 

it'll really suck to live with parents and a family again, however nice it will be to see them. 

i love my room. it's so comfortable and it's my place to go when it rains or life sucks. i really love where i live and i love how i live. 

Drums and Shorelines

Koop. 

i've been listening to them a lot. their sound is so interesting, because the only thing they record is vocals. everything else - sax, drums, flutes, beats and chorus - is taken from old stock recordings, so each song you hear is an antique assemblage. 

they sing about love and loss, about old friends and their sound is so infused with island and relaxation that it'll turn anywhere into a tropical vacation. I highly recommend you buy or torrent some of their stuff. absolutely gold. Look for Koop Islands and Waltz For Koop. 

i first heard of them a year ago, when i was living with the Hodsons and working at Genie. it was probably one of the most stressful, dismal times of my life. I was, admittedly, an emotional basket case. I was all alone in redmond, my entire family had just moved away and it was so hard to face that constructively. On top of that, i was working a job that was stressful and hugely physically demanding. it wasn't a good situation at all. 

I remember when things got too stressful or i started getting depressed on the factory floor i'd go to the bathroom, put my headphones on and listen to "Beyond the Son" (track one on their album Koop Island). I would sit in one of the stalls for the four minutes and forty-three second  duration and i'd just relax. I'd just sit there and calm down and just let the music's mood wash into me. Even now when things get a little bleak i turn on some Koop and just go on vacation : )

it's nice. and i seriously recommend that you all give them a listen. 

on another note, i recently put a Pulp Fiction voice clip as my ringtone for when i get a text. i text a lot. so all day i've been walking around town with a completely obscene ringtone. "ENGLISH, mothafucka, DO YOU SPEAK IT!?"

i've gotten weird looks from people, and i've gotten pleased looks. i think it's fun :D

it actually scared the shit out of me earlier today. i was cleaning the bathroom and i had my phone on the counter and it was set on full volume, so all of a sudden Jules was cussing me out and i jumped, haha. 

on another completely random note, i just got back from hanging out with Kaya and Emily - two friends that i met through work. we went to the cobra lounge, a hookah bar in the heart of downtown, then we grabbed all the blankets in my room and walked the boardwalk on boulevard. 

it was a clear, cold night and we sat on a bench with all the blankets and exchanged secrets, haha. there were actually some really heavy things exchanged between us.

i realized then how much i've changed and become my own person. i realized how much more in touch i am with who i am and what i am than i ever have been. Mom used to always tell me in junior high and high school that i'm depriving the world of an amazing person when i'm so antisocial and i realized there at the park that i've learned just how amazing i am, and that i've really been shining and giving the world myself in the past few months. i have a lot of friends, and i try making new ones all the time while enriching the relationships i have going already. it's a great feeling to be unafraid of myself and other people. 

i am truly happy. 

Latest

yesterday was payday. 

the day before that was my donation day where i got forty dollars, so for the first time in a very long time, i finally had some money to spend and just have fun with. 

i bought a new pipe from Avalon. 

i went to taco lobo downtown, because i love mexican food and i've always walked by it and wanted to go there. so i did. 

i had a really good time yesterday, i hung out with a friend for a while, smoked at the highest point in downtown bellingham - on top of a car garage. it was cool. i could see into the windows of all the office buildings around me and the view was great. 

i'm really pleased with my new pipe. it's a small little guy, only eight dollars. i don't know why, though, but smoking from it makes me think of Rose. 

i broke off with her in a really harsh way. i feel bad and am embarrassed at how i treated her. she was clingy, she was a little too much into me, but she was genuinely nice. we smoked a lot together. like, the entire beginning of my smoking career (i don't know what else to call it, haha) has her in it. that's a bond that i don't even know how to describe. 

i sit here and i look at my bong and pipe and all the smoking equipment i have and i realize it's all because of her. she got me started with smoking. all of my first experiences with smoking - which has now become a great hobby of mine - has her in it. 

anyways, just a thought. we'll see what happens. 

anyways, more about this pipe. 

it's totally cool. like, even if i'm not smoking i enjoy just sitting there with it in my mouth. it's kind of like your zippo, Taylor. you don't smoke, but you like just playing with it. 

anyways. it's small enough that i can take it anywhere i want. which means that if i'm ever on a long walk between places (i do that a lot) i can find a little alley, walk into a bit of woods and take a hit. kind of just add a little spice to my walk and experience more of the world in a different way :)

i am keeping productive, though. i'm honestly trying to write something worthwhile. and i'm trying to get to this BTC place that dad's been telling me about. we are now working together, and i plan on trying to become more honest with him. 

more on that:

i thought how tragic it is that i have a dad who loves me, not always in the ways that i recognize, but he loves me for sure. i have that kind of a father, he's alive and he's there for me. other people don't have that, and i know that if their dad were alive again - no matter how distant he was - they would try and salvage that as much as they could. 

so here i am, my dad is alive and well and i've been keeping him distanced. i have not been allowing our relationship to grow. i feel bad for that. not only because i'm not taking advantage of a great blessing, but because i'm depriving him of a good relationship with one of his sons. 

i messaged him talking about how i want to be more honest with him and work on our relationship and things have been going very well. we had a little heart to heart and when he comes up next - which he said he would sometime, he doesn't know when - we're going to talk and i plan on telling him everything, or as much as i can. 

anyways. i'm having a few friends over soon so i should probably be going now : )

Thoughts

My family all has a blog like this, and it's a cool way to catch up on people, so i figured i should keep one up too. 

I'm sitting here before work with a few minutes to spare, so here are some thoughts. 

i think marijuana should be legalized. there are a lot of misconceptions about marijuana. it's very harmless, it's not addictive and there are no deaths directly caused by its use - whereas alcohol and cigarettes are a completely different story. 

i love the effect it has on me. i can control myself very well on it, keep myself from freaking out (i've known very experienced smokers who can't even do this. i'm proud of myself) and i usually enter a very philosophical state of mind. 

i think everyone that knows me knows that i think a lot - probably too much - and that i desperately want to figure out the reason of life. i had a revelation or epiphane (i don't have time to figure out how to spell that right) about candles and human life. 

i won't get into it now, because i don't have time to, but the idea encourages me to keep on going, to use my time alive as positively and constructively as i can. 

anyways, Marijuana is a very happy substance. i don't think i can express how much i appreciate it. i have friends over and we turn out the lights, throw on some good music, light candles, burn incense and just lie around on my bed and floor and pass my new bong around : )

if you don't smoke i highly encourage the activity. i find it rewarding :)

but now i have to go.